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Today they are almost all stupid murderous bastards. Years ago they were in it for the money, or the excitement, or because they were total psychos, but some of them were also rebels of some sort. The old guy I first worked with went back to the early forties and he'd known Benjamin ("Bugsy") Siegel. He hated the nickname "Bugsy," went to concerts and plays, laughed at Robert Benchley and Dorothy Parker and saw larceny as a game. He was still a guy who did illegal things, but his word could be trusted most of the time, and most of his crimes were relatively victimless. If you get taken at a crooked card game, not too many people lose sleep over it, nor should they. Ben used to say, "We only kill each other," and to a great extent, that was true then.It isn't anymore, and that was the other reason I got worried when Sammy came through our door. Tammy had insisted on doing this job alone, in a city with war zones where kids get shot in crossfires every month. Where cheap crack has. Butyes, my body was male." Okay, I guess I'll have to take your word for it," I said."I have no reason to lie to you. I was where you are now, and made it outto the other side," she said."Good for you." You can too, if you want to." No, I cant. First, I have that little girl to think of. Second, I don'thave the money, and third, I look ridiculous dressed up," I said."I said the same things, once upon a time," she said."You have to be kidding me. You pass, totally." Again, thank you. But that's not how I saw myself at the time."I looked at her hard. Was it possible, that this totally feminine personbefore me felt the same way I did when I dressed up?"The thing is," she continued, "we are sometimes our own worst critics.We see the flaws so easily, and the good parts not at all. I'm willing tobet you have at least one person who has seen you dressed, and said youlook fine."I shook my head. How did this woman know my life so well?"Believe me, I know all the objections, all the barriers,.
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