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About a year ago, I talked of retiring to a convent. Madame de Villefort, in spite of all the remarks which she considered it her duty to make, secretly approved of the proposition, my father consented to it at her instigation, and it was only on account of my poor grandfather that I finally abandoned the project. You can form no idea of the expression of that old man's eye when he looks at me, the only person in the world whom he loves, and, I had almost said, by whom he is beloved in return. When he learned my resolution, I shall never forget the reproachful look which he cast on me, and the tears of utter despair which chased each other down his lifeless cheeks. Ah, Maximilian, I experienced, at that moment, such remorse for my intention, that, throwing myself at his feet, I exclaimed, --'Forgive me, pray forgive me, my dear grandfather; they may do what they will with me, I will never leave you.' When I had ceased speaking, he thankfully raised his eyes to heaven, but without. What isn't scripted is Mike's life. Time and again I have to try to dragmyself back to what should be a normal way of talking, acting, andliving; but it's all become strange. I've lost count of the times I'venearly tripped myself up, saying something Mary would say instead of whatought to be my natural response. She's everywhere both inside andoutside my head. I can't even think of girls in the same way. When Ithink of tits I think of hers, when I see a makeup billboard I wonder ifshe would use that shade.The official line is that I've become a campaigner for Brad, explainingmy excessive travelling. My family is all too happy to lap it up.They're just happy I'm doing something proactive for a change. I can'thelp but wonder if they'd be as happy if they knew the truth. I kind ofmiss home. More than I thought I would. Still, with the way Mary'sdominating my thoughts lately, it's probably for the best that I'm nottoo near to someone who knows me that well. With the exception.
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