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We spent many weekends thoroughly cleaning the apartment, because I wanted to keep my word to Marilyn. Some nights, we went dancing to the discos, and there I began to confront the dilemma of being a ‘closet’ lesbian or an ‘out’. Anyhow, most of the clubs to which she took me are not exclusively for ‘gay’ people, so I could dance with men, but keeping my distance, because I didn’t want to get involved with them, not only to avoid my lover’s jealousy, but fearing that men might get me pregnant, infect me with AIDS or even assault me. She also invited me to her favorite gym to get me in shape, taking advantage of a two-for-one offer, because I was a little overweight, so when I finally had a more desirable figure, she had me depilate all of my unwanted body hair, so I could be absolutely smooth to the touch and free from rash. One afternoon, we went to a sex shop, and upon seeing such enormous and grotesque dildos that they sell there, I felt a mixture of curiosity, terror and morbid. I thought about her area. At that moment it seemed the right thing to do. "But enough about school," she said, "what do you do for fun?"Fantasize about you. I swear, the phrase came into my head and it was hard to shake. I glanced at her bookshelf. "Oh, reading..."I felt stupid for not having more to say. How would someone like her ever be interested in someone like me? She smiled and her smile was warm. "I bet you have more fun than that," she said. "Got a--friend?" No," I said, feeling embarrassed."Well, you just got here a few months ago."It hit me. Before I'd been thinking about making casual conversation with her and now we were doing just that! Not much help from me with my one-word answers. But it was almost like my fantasy. I felt my heart start to beat and realized I was considering taking a leap, a dangerous leap. I wondered if I could do it and live with myself.But something inside me said I had to. Such chances don't arise every day and this could be my only one. I did my.
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