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I'm tired, oh-so-tired, both physically and emotionally. It hitsme when I least expect it, and the only thing that seems to help is sleep. So I stumble back to my bed and lay there, waiting for sleep to overtakeand heal me. But the one time I crave it, need it desperately, sleepfails to come for me. I lay there, exhausted, too tenseto sleep. Relax, I try to tell myself, just relax and sleep willfollow. Twenty minutes later and not only am I drained, I'mfrustrated as well. My mind is racing and it won't let go of the thoughtsenough to let me sleep. It doesn't help that those thoughts center aroundhim and the complexities of our relationship, the bad as well as the good. Every little thing I've ever done "wrong" (at least in mymind); every little word of praise and affection and yes, love, from him. I sit up, dangling my legs over the side of the bed, andrealise I'm still playing with the damned belt. Still turning it aroundand around, doubling it this way then that,. I was very fond of Clint, and I wouldn't hurt him for the world. I wondered again if maybe divorcing him was the kindest thing I could do.I decided again that divorcing him would be stupid. Neither of us wanted that. Clint loved me with all of his heart. A divorce would only hurt him. And it would hurt me. At thirty five, I was no longer a spring chicken. I had seen how badly most of the women I knew fared during a divorce.Most of them ended up losing in more ways than one. They ended up being some guy's booty call and losing most of their dignity. They also went from having control of 100% of a man's income, to having control of maybe 40% if they were lucky. And most of them ended up losing their homes and having to get a job.I felt extremely sorry for the ones who remarried. They usually ended up having to eat a lot of shit just to keep a man who was never as good as their first husband. The only reason they did it was because it was better than being alone.The ones who never.
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