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. a bank-robber!' Or maybe she's going to tell me he's a member of the Ku Klux Klan, or something!"Tad was his usual calm and collected self. "I suggest you just forget all about it until lunch time tomorrow, and see what she says." Let's play 'Worst Possible News!'" I said. "Louise is going to tell me tomorrow that Don's got leprosy!" Naw, it's not a disease," Tad said, warming to the game. "She'll tell you he weighs 450 pounds and likes to sit around the house without wearing a shirt!" He's a child-molester!" I suggested."Louise is his third wife -- and he never got around to divorcing the other two!" No, he's about to leave her -- for a guy!" I screamed."All right, all right, that's enough," Tad said. "Whatever Louise tells you tomorrow, it won't be as bad as any of those. Now let's relax and see what's on TV."Thursday at lunch, Louise had apparently had time to prepare her little spiel. "Please don't -- ahh -- be too judgmental about this," she said as a preamble. "It's not as bad. Icrumple and go tumbling head over heels down the stairs while Pam'stwo little daughters laugh gleefully. "Move it you little piece of shit!" Joan says to me, and as best Ican, I get back on my hands and knees and continue to crawl behind Pamtoward the strange looking contraption in the backyard. My hopes ofgoing unnoticed by the neighbors quickly fade as I see the two airlinestewardesses who share the house next to ours staring wide eyed overthe back fence at my naked body. Little did I know that Joan calledthem earlier in the day to tell them to be on the lookout for me. When we get to the strange covered contraption in the middle ofthe yard, Joan unhooks my doggie collar and orders me to get up, thenbend over and touch my toes. I am facing in as humiliating a positionas possible, with my naked bottom exposed to the two stewardesses atthe fence. "My goodness, his bottom is red!" exclaims one of them. "You can guess how it got that way," says Joan with a smile. Shegives.
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