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I do not have the authority to waive policy." "Will you instead schedule an interview, and I'll call during that time slot? Friday afternoons are best for me." "Very well, sir. Friday afternoon at three o'clock. May I have a name for our records?" "Thaddeus," Father Secco sputtered. "Um—Antony Thaddeus." "Thank you, Mr. Thaddeus. See—well, hear—you on Friday." Father Secco hung up the phone and, whistling a favorite hymn as he walked the last six blocks, thought about his plan. Saturday mornings were so incredibly dull in the confessional. St. Jude Thaddeus was the only parish in the state that still used the little booths. All the others had long since switched to a more open, face-to-face practice. For three solid hours he sat in that dark, cramped closet just waiting for someone to step in to its neighbor. All told, maybe eight or nine parishioners sought the sacrament of reconciliation each week—and they were the same people with the same boring, venial sins. He wanted to. And then it was too late. There I would be, having sex on the pier, leaping into shark-infested waters... Or, jumping off a rock while stoned. Or playing with myself as my sister did the same thing, right next to me. Hmm ... Maybe it wasn’t such an uncanny ability after all.“Are you touching yourself?” That’s how she’d probably start.“Heather,” I’d warn.“You are!” Eyes surely wide with glee.And so on. After somehow getting me to admit it – even if I wasn’t actually doing anything – I’d ask her if she was caressing herself.“Of course not! You said: ‘Nothing naughty over the phone,’” she would explain primly.There was at least one thing that I did have to imagine over the phone: her glance. Without that little confirmation, things were always less certain.“What would you do to me if you were here?” she might ask.After I’d try to offer some tame propositions, she’d carefully but unavoidably steer the exchange back to the sexual. Inevitably I’d find myself with a few figurative fingers.
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