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The first time I knew I was really in trouble was the night I spent an entire shift trying to figure out if her hair was brown or red and if her eyes were blue or grey; I was thirty-two years old and feeling like a fucking ass for wanting a woman I'd never have; she had me wrapped in knots and she didn't even know it. We worked together as friends for more than four years before my opportunity came.The night she told me she'd dumped her slacker boyfriend I know I wore a shit-eating grin the entire shift; I tried to be supportive and sympathetic and all that crap that girls think they need, but she saw through it easily and didn't seem to care; her sense of humour carried her through."Fuck him," Jackie laughed, popping the cap off another bottle of beer. It was her fifth one of the night, a few more than she usually had after work, but she held her liquor better than any other woman I knew, so I wasn't worried. "He's an asshole." Yeah," I muttered in agreement, watching out of the. I, in strange, theatrical madness cursed her for her lack of love profession, for loving my face, my hair, my strong, powerful body, but not that crude disgusting thing lurking in my pants. That silent, grotesque lump of God-given clay yet to be molded, for all hope, to die in the dust with the humming of the cortex, those strange fibers of consciousness wrestling angsty teenage love, my sweet Kimberly… she’d dated someone I’d thought my friend. Society’s law kept me from killing him. I would wake up in the night and punch the floor in anguish, homoerotic fear and shame… I killed him a thousand times over in my mind…. His form extinguished by the hood of my car raging into him outside of his jock club, the mma fighting club where I’d first gotten homoerotic thoughts about him. I held it back and back and back… until one day, I thrust my index finger into my rectum and imagined myself dominated by all those who had flaunted their large male members. Even then, though, my killing.
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