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” I turned away, looking out into the night through the passenger window, trying to hide the smile on my face as I thought about engagement rings and parties and weddings. This could be the start of all that – such a contrast to the night which had been spent fending off questions about my “imaginary” boyfriend. He’d abandoned me again – leaving me alone at Laura’s 30 th … and that after I’d put so much effort into my outfit. For him. So that he’d be proud of me. The cold feeling of abandonment had been partially washed away by the texted offer to pick me up. Meeting Mick’s colleagues went beyond an apology: it was renewed hope that what we had was real. “Are you sure I’m OK to go into a Police Station dressed like this?” I asked, wrapping Mick’s beloved black trench coat tightly around my body. “Of course,” Mick insisted. “And don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll love you just as much as I do.” “What? What did you just say?” My head was in a whirl. First he was bringing me in to. ’ I just repeat myself. ‘I’m such a fucking idiot.’ ‘Should I be drinking, too?’ You ask. That makes me smile for a moment. ‘Only if you want. I’m just. . . Before I had kids. . .’ That’s a sentence that’s going nowhere, so I try again. ‘I’m just having a week where it feels like every day is harder to get through than the day before.’ ‘Something happen?’ ‘No, it’s something with me.’ And then I talk. I tell you about the frustration of being on my own over a year with the kids and suddenly realizing I have no idea where the wound disinfectant is in my own apartment. Or the depression of realizing that I was getting angry at my Marlene for not putting the band-aids back where they belong, and then realizing that she’s dead and I’m just being a dick. And then you’re behind me. I don’t know when you stood up, but you did. Do you know that it’s easier for me to talk when I can’t see you? Or do you just think that the back rub is really necessary. ‘Am I whining?’ I sigh. ‘I didn’t want to.
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